How Can an Asexual Person Define Desire?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
As an asexual individual, I struggle to discern if my discharge or gaze is sexual or lustful, as I am unfamiliar with the sensation of desire.
This confusion impacts my behavior, such as when to lower my gaze, and has led to misunderstandings with mahrams, who feel ignored and saddened.
Could this be related to my OCD, and how can I accurately identify and define sexual desire?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I can’t help you discern the feelings of desire, but I can adjure you to lower your gaze when dealing with the opposite gender who are not mahram.
Gaze
Allah (Most High) has told us in the Quran,
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their chastity. That is purer for them. Surely Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze, guard their chastity, and not reveal their adornments except what normally appears.
Let them draw their veils over their chests, and not reveal their (hidden) adornments except to their husbands, their fathers, their fathers-in-law, their sons, their stepsons, their brothers, their brothers’ sons or sisters’ sons, their fellow women, those (bondwomen) in their possession, male attendants with no desire, or children who are still unaware of women’s nakedness.
Let them not stomp their feet, drawing attention to their hidden adornments. Turn to Allah in repentance altogether, O believers, so that you may be successful.” [Quran, 24:30-31]
Fundamentals
I don’t know if you are male or female, but even if you don’t feel the desire that others do, it is still optimal, and in some cases obligatory, to emulate the sunna of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) by lowering your gaze.
You don’t need to lower your gaze from mahrams (unmarriageable kin) unless their nakedness is exposed. You can be comfortable with them, chat with them, embrace them, shake hands with them, and just be yourself. There is no need for them to be saddened.
Your OCD or waswasa doesn’t need to define how you behave if you stick to some fundamentals when interacting with the opposite gender (non-mahrams), regardless of what you feel. See more details in the links below.
Supplication
Shaykh AbdulKarim Yahya mentioned that for protection from falling into disobedience, a believer should read the following Prophetic supplication 19 times before entering a place where disobedience is likely to occur:
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم اللَّهم يا حَيُّ يَا قَيُّومُ برحمتِكَ أسْتَغِيْثُ ومِن عَذابِكَ أسْتَجِيرُ أَصْلِحْ لِي شَأنِي كُلَّهُ ولاَ تَكِلْنِي إلى نَفْسِي وَلا إِلى أحَدٍ مِن خَلقِكَ طَرفَةَ عَينٍ
“In the name of Allah, O Allah, the Most Merciful, the Compassionate. O Living! O Sustainer! I call upon Your Mercy for assistance, and from Your chastisement I seek refuge! Make good all my affairs and do not entrust me to myself or any of Your creation for the blink of an eye.” [Khatib]
Please see more details here on when to lower your gaze:
- When is it obligatory to lower one’s gaze? To what extent does the prohibition of looking at people doing haram apply?
- Is It Permissible to Look at the Face of a Beautiful Woman without Desire?
- Lower Your Gaze – Shaykh AbdulKarim Yahya
- How Do We Define the Fornication of the Eyes?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
