Should I Be Regularly Texting a Suitor That I Hope to Marry?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

A Muslim guy approached me a few months ago, and we got to know each other, which led us to want to get married. We told our families, except for my dad, because we all agreed to tell him when I turn 18 in two years so we can get married right away in sha Allah. My dad disagrees with young marriage. Our families are both happy.

He and I text every day. Our conversations are not romantic, but we catch up on what we have been doing, our plans for the future, and so on. We tell our family what we have been talking about so they know what is happening between us.

Is that halal, or is it not permissible since we aren’t married or engaged yet?

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for avoiding inappropriate conversation with this suitor; however, the interaction is still unacceptable.

Families

Telling your family, except for your father, is like not telling anyone at all. Your father is the one who is in charge of safeguarding you, your religion, and your well-being, and his permission is needed. Not telling your father means that you are not taking this man seriously. It also entails disrespect to keep such a big secret hidden from him.

Abu `Amr ash-Shaybani said, “The owner of this house (and he pointed at the house of `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud) said, ‘I asked the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, which action Allah loves best.’ He replied, ‘Prayer at its proper time.’ ‘Then what?’ I asked. He said, ‘Then kindness to parents.’ I asked, ‘Then what?’ He replied, ‘Then jihad in the Way of Allah.’” He added, “He told me about these things. If I had asked him to tell me more, he would have told me more.” [Bukhari]

Commitment

I recommend you tell your father now and seek an engagement or nikah. This can be accomplished by the suitor coming over or calling the father and officially proposing. Such a gesture will increase your father’s respect for him. If your suitor is not ready for this, he can wait a year or more to propose, but he should not be talking to you all the while. Optimally, all communication should be cut off until you need to communicate to plan for the wedding. If your father agrees to an engagement now, you must only communicate with your fiancé once a nikah is performed.

Prepare

Meanwhile, prepare for marriage by reviewing your obligatory knowledge, learning Arabic and Quran well, and taking a course on marriage. Avoid getting emotionally attached to anyone until a nikah is performed. Don’t make any final decision except that you pray istikhara about it, marry for religion, and consult others. Involve your father. Hone your skills, domestic and otherwise, and build up your relationship with Allah while you have more free time. Seek aid and guidance through your supplications. Devote yourself to the One whom you are completing your religion for.

Please see these links as well:
I Want to Marry Someone, but He Wants Me to Wait Three Years
What Is the Meaning of Khalwa (Seclusion) with the Opposite Gender?
In Love but Too Young to Marry
How to Explain the Advantages of Marrying Young to My Family?
Is It Permissible for Me to Whatsapp My Fiancé?
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.