How Can I Stop the Endless Arguments with My Mother?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’m a 17-year-old girl, and I keep having arguments with my mother. I don’t really do anything wrong, but she just pushes my buttons by making small, hurtful comments about me. I stay quiet so as not to start an argument, but she keeps pushing me, so I find it hard to remain silent. I raise my voice, but when I apologize, she gets angry, shouts at me, and says she’s no longer my mother and other hurtful things.
I try talking to her, but she’s so hard to talk to, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her. I’m tired of this endless cycle, as it’s affecting my mental health. Could you please give me some advice?
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for wanting to be good to your mother and for looking for a solution to a house full of toil and commotion.
Patience
“O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with the patient ones, etc.” [Quran, 2:153] Think of your relationship with your mother as a chance to learn patience. This virtue will help you for the rest of your life, and remember that even being silent and not talking back to her is a tremendous show of respect and even more rewarding with Allah when it is so difficult.
Keep in mind the rank of your mother: It was narrated from Mu’awiya bin Jahima al-Sulami that Jahima came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I want to go out and fight (in Jihad), and I have come to ask your advice.” He said: “Do you have a mother?” He said: “Yes.” He said: “Then stay with her, for Paradise is beneath her feet.” [Nasa’i]
Communicate
It sounds like your mother is unwell and doesn’t know how to communicate with you peacefully; she also doesn’t know how hurtful her words are. You have to tell her how the words make you feel without getting angry. Is it possible for you to lower your expectations of her, and focus on being grateful for the good things in your relationship? How about keeping her busy by introducing her to new friends, by introducing her to volunteer work, or even a part-time job? How about encouraging her to take classes to keep her engaged and not preoccupied with you?
Turn to Allah
Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah for ease and a way out. Ask Allah for empathy and a better understanding of your mother and why she is like this. Talk to local imams, elders, or friends who can advise you and be your support system. You can better manage your own emotions by turning to Allah in dua, praying on time, reading the Quran daily, and looking to the lives of the righteous people in the past to emulate.
Please see these links as well:
- How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way?
- Dealing With a Dysfunctional Relationship With Parents.
- Dealing With Difficult Parents and Keeping Promises.
- What To Do With a Mother Who Taunts, Curses, and Fights With Me?
- How Can I Help My Abusive Mother and Help Myself?
- I Can’t Stop Misbehaving With My Mother. What Can I Do?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
